Love is indestructible!

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This life we live is precious,
This life we live is pure,
Could it be just an illusion,
Or am I dreaming from a nightmare!

Take nothing for granted,
Tomorrow is of no significance,
The moment is all we have,
Yesterday but just a memory….

Memories I often remember,
A smell, sound, sight evoking a thought gone by,
Let my mind wonder,
Holding on to the past for far too long,
For now she’s leaving me,
Her memories all but destroyed…..

So instead of tears, pain and misery,
Take this moment of now,
For time is just an illusion,
What is this time but now…….

Love I hold in my heart,
She gave me this and it will hold forever,
This feeling, this grief of missing is just an illusion,
For the strength of her love will never fade,
It’s memory is indestructible,
Our love eternally stored inside me, Gratitude of having been so lucky to have her as my mother……

Mandy.xx

Dementia’s Robbery!

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Photograph by Wann Mekwi Flickr

She’s gone, no longer like my mum,
She may hear me but understanding not!
The pain of realisation that she’s gone….
A stranger has inhabited her body!

Its a robbery of her soul,
Its killing us all,
Dementia’s agony…..

The tears I can cry but still she’s gone,
Strength I must find for my dearest dad,
Ripping away her memories,
Erasing her personality…..

Its a robbery of her soul,
Its killing us all,
Dementia’s deepest agony……

Turn on her favourite music,
Be positive be strong,
Find a moments lucid glimpse,
Fooling us all in an instant could it be a nightmare?

Its a robbery of my Mum,
We miss her I scream
Dementia’s demands…..

Just let her see me one more time,
Hold converse and tell her so she knows,
It won’t happen I know,
For dementia has taken her mind……

Mandy.x

I miss her so much…

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This picture is from several years ago now at a family wedding, but it epitomise everything wonderful about my beautiful mum, that laughter….

No one unless they are or have experienced the devastating effects of seeing someone you love lost to Alzheimer’s can possibly understand the pain, anguish, anger and utter sorrow.

Letting go when before you they are but not recognising the person they have become.

I long to share my life experiences, small things, milestones in my children’s life’s.
I know many people lose their mother’s and must long for the very same thing to have those conversations again but the truth of the matter is she’s here in body but she’s no longer my mother in mind….

I miss her so much………

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Mandy.x

Lost with confusion….

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Photograph by Agnes Perrot.

It helps to write about the difficult things, the things that hurt us, the things we’d rather perhaps not talk about…
That stiff upper lip, that English facade of illusion that we somehow don’t have feelings, really how ridiculous to think that….

Today was one of her bad days….

“What a beautiful day Mum” I said trying to distract her from the altercation that had begun hours before we arrived..
“Mmm well maybe but he’s in a bad mood….”

“Let’s paint your nails then Mum, hey! ”
Still trying my hardest to swing the mood of stress and anguish and utter despair from them both!

My mind felt in a spin trying to keep peace for them, a dizziness of nausea waiting in the wings, struggling with my own emotion, no time for weakness only strength, quick thinking being careful to not spark a bad reaction from her.

“Mandy’s coming soon anyway she’ll do that” she replied in firm voice.
I hid my shock and pain of realisation that her confusion was at a high today, especially as I was Mandy……
It did race through my head but I didn’t allow it space for long, who did she actually think I was then!…..

Focusing on the positive is all anyway can do that’s dealing with dementia, clutching onto every lucid moment spent with a love one suffering with the cruel disease Alzheimer’s.

I look into her beautiful blue eyes often and there I see the love of my Mum that can never be taken away……

Mandy.x

Anguish and Alzheimer’s…….

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Photograph by “Alan Mackenzie”

He screamed helplessness and fear,
Anger arising in a depth of raw emotion, His exasperating anxiety and despair,
This cruel mental decay of Alzheimer’s.

Acceptance hung in the desperate air,
Petulance always only a breath away,
How could this hellish illness be so.

Bring her back we ask in vain empty disbelief,
Knowing each day can only go one way,
Her warmth of love will never cease,
Missing her always left unspoken…..

Mandy.x

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Missing her…….

Dementia, Alzheimer’s, mother, heartbreaking, understanding, miss

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Amongst the realisation, the acceptance, anger and then the caring is the sad fact that you just miss them so deeply, its heartbreaking
She is there before us in body but not mind……

A mother teaches so much, gives without wanting reward, unconditional love to her children with all her heart.

We are so much of what our mothers mould us to become, the nurture, the love, fun, laughter, the milestones of childhood, struggles at times but a mum is always there with a keen ear and mind with all the right answers.
She supports and encourages, educates, teaches us our fundamental morales…..

We go on to share our life’s, our journey the things we have been taught stay for a lifetime.
We pass our experiences to our own children and so on it goes, the legacy of a person grows through families…..

That is why the heartbreak of Alzheimer’s is so cruel, the person you knew becomes so different but looks the same, the understanding of its complexities are impossible to relate unless you are experiencing it first hand.

I try to focus on what it was like and remember her as she was and not allowing myself to become clouded by the here and now…

Not having that person to confide in, sound off to, get that motherly advice when still she’s before you is unbelievably upsetting.
Being positive and dealing with what each day may bring is the only way forward.

My only advice to all of you is despite our busy lives, see your parents. Their wisdom is ten fold to any school education….
See them while they are here, cherishing, embracing them because one day they will not…..

If you are experiencing loved ones with dementia or Alzheimer’s do comment let’s help each other…..

Mandy.x

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A glimpse of her……..

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           Picture by ~

Life,Unscripted photography

This isn’t really my usual kind of upbeat story or inspiring tip or insight, its more a reflection, a glimpse of my sadness that I keep secretly locked away, the hurt we all hide behind…..

I ask you to respect my open emotion and perhaps I may still consider there will be someone I reach and influence even in my frankness!

I rang the door bell several times not sure of the response, not forgetting the reason we were there, always present in my mind….

With immediate action she answered, not the “who is it…??” as I’d expected.
With hesitation I quickly put our reason forward for visiting not wanting to give her any suspicion that we were there to keep an eye, to make sure she stayed safe!
How time does change what once we knew, the tide had turned taking whatever it needed in its wake.
Her illness was taking hold at a faster rate now, yet still hope prevailed in us all, what other choice did we have……

She seemed calm, in a wonderful world of her own, busy with knitting needles and pieces of string in knots all covering the table top!
“I’m tidying out” she explained  and at once she went about her task as if we were invisible, quietly placing things back just as they were before….

I looked at her face, into her eyes, a deep clear vibrant sky blue, utterly beautiful, and her silver shimmering hair, almost no interaction, no eye contact, just her world……

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“Dorothy Webb”

I miss our chats, I miss telling her what’s happening to me to everyone in my world, our world……
The sharing, the advice, even the criticism, but what about the listener, of that she was supreme!

Just then as she turned to walk away, I saw her, as I talked nonsense as sure I do to cover my anguish, she smiled, her eyes had a glint or was it just the reflection or was it a glimpse of her…….

Alzheimer’s is one of the fastest growing illnesses in the west and sure to increase as the ageing population grows over time.
Never give up hope because even a small glimpse can warm the heart of all its loss….

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Picture by~
“Bahman Farzad”

Mandy.x

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Can music help with Alzheimer’s?

For anyone that has experienced the effects of in my opinion, the cruelest of disease’s Alzheimer’s, then you’ll totally understand when I say that if only one person reads this blog and takes comfort then I’ve achieved my goal…

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                   My mum.

I grew up in a loving wonderful family with siblings older than me so therefore I guess you could say I was somewhat spoilt!
We were a typical average working class family in the 70s, life was good.
My siblings went on to be hugely successful mainly down to the support of my parents in their formative years.

However this story isn’t about my siblings or me for that matter, its about my mother and father and how the dreadful diesese Alzheimer’s has infected our family.

      Emotional fallout!

The mixture of emotions felt are indescribable, the person you know and love is still there before you however they are so incredibly different!
Alzheimer’s isn’t purely just about memory loss, there are mood swings from suicidal to child like behaviour, paranoia and illusions.

Helplessness is a common feeling of those close to someone with this destructive mind robbing disease, I really would not wish it upon my worst enemy!

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         Music magic.

I recently read an article claiming music especially if headphones are worn can help the sufferer.
When each day has no silver lining anything however small is hope.

With this idea in mind, off I set to get the help of my son to put together an album of her favorite tracks from back then.
It was incredible the effect the music had on her mood, up dancing, it was almost as if she had been transformed back in time……..
The article I read was by “Alzheimer’s Foundation Of America (AFA)” and is very informative, have a look yourself by following the link below :
>>>>> http://bit.ly/1x0xeCC

There is no cure at this present time for Alzheimer’s or other dementia related diseases such as vascular dementia.

We can only hold on to each day and cherish those lucid days and if music is a tool to stimulation then I’m in…..

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For everyone out their who is living and caring for someone who is suffering from Alzheimer’s, keep strong.
Always ask for help and cherish your special memories of them forever…..

Please feel free to add your own personal comments on your own experiences of Alzheimer’s, let’s help each other!

Mandy.

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